Until then.

His nose is cold, he licks everything, he sometimes pushes me off the couch when he stretches, greets me at the door with his wagging non-tail tail, eats my flip-flops, but, Rocker is the only male I’ll let near me right now. He’s been the one to comfort me through Raider’s death, my break up with J and the stressful, horrific summer he and I both experienced.

Today has been a rough day on my heart, today I’ve cried for the first time in a couple of weeks, no reason in particular just felt lonely and confused. I’m still trying to figure out why J and I didn’t work out, what he stood for and how he lived his life was what I was looking for in a boyfriend and potential husband. He put me in my place, he made me laugh, he made me smile, he also inspired me. We didn’t fight, we never raised our voices at each other, getting along with him was super easy. Every time I hung out with him, I left knowing this was going to be something that would last a long long long long time. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep, other times I make my voice go out by screaming “Why? Why? Why?”. I’m getting better but I still don’t understand it.  Only God knows why and I’m sure I’ll come full circle eventually, but for now I’m still wondering why this person was placed in my life for me to get extremely attached to in a short amount of time and then taken out of my life. I wonder if he misses me, I wonder if he thinks about me, I wonder if he has any clue about how sad I really am. I’ve seen him, I’ve worked 5 doors down from him, I’ve talked to him, but we haven’t gone back to each other. Will we? Have I ever been this stripped down emotionally? No. Is this a new experience for me that has made me grow but also turn me into a crying baby? Yes. Where do I go from here? Not sure, but all I know is that I come home everyday hoping he’s waiting for me at my door. My friends get it and don’t get it. I’m not sure what I’m even doing, I just know I’m sad, confused, hurting, crying, screaming, hopeful, unsure, faithful. I pray for the day it clicks, he calls or we randomly see each other and finish where we left off. Until then, I’ll keep coming home to my puppy kisses and chewed up flip-flops hoping tomorrow will be the day.

love it. live it. capture it.

~ Jalys.

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