Pity party for 1?

I’ve been silent the past few weeks, as most of you know, my precious baby girl didn’t make it. I had to make the unfortunate decision of putting her down due to neurological failure… I’ll get more into that in a bit. We’ve all heard the term, “when it rains it pours”. Seems like this whole summer it’s been pouring bad news instead of rain, maybe that’s why Texas is in a horrific drought. So, yes, I’m having a pity party for 1 and going to write about it to get it out of my system and hopefully move forward and find peace with things.

At the end of May, I decided that it was time to get away from my current job. The negativity and the overwhelming lack of professionalism seemed to overpower my need to stay there. It was agreed I would stay until May 31st and I put off telling my kids bye until then because they are so near and dear to my heart. May 24th, I get called into the office as I’m WALKING OUT of the center to be told they no longer needed me. My heart hit the floor and emotions over took me, I was let go and didn’t have the chance to say goodbye to my precious babies that I spent 40+ hours a week with. For everything I’ve done for that place along with spending my OWN money on photos, supplies, projects, etc I’ve never been so disrespected. It’s the first time I’ve ever left a job with such a bad taste in my mouth. Seems all the hard work I’ve put in meant nothing to them and it shows the lack of respect my “superiors” have for their employees. I miss my kids and their parents, they are so special to me. I still run into some of them at HEB and baby sit for them on occasion, but I didn’t get to say goodbye to ALL of them. Finding a job right now has been tough. I go back and forth with my decision with quitting without having something else lined up; but with the way I was treated at the end, I was just a body in a room. I’m not asking for constant praise, but, there is something to be said when half the center has had new teachers within the first 4 months of 2011. I keep applying at jobs that I know I’m qualified for, but with 500 teachers being laid off the job market SUCKS. I lose my cool everyday but my wonderful Mum talks me down and gives me hope. She’s my saving grace, don’t know what I’d do without her.

Back in April, I met a boy that made me smile. Smile a lot, smile so much I finally let go of the pain that I had left from my ex boyfriend. We met while I was photographing at Cheatham St. He was nervous, I was focused on Curtis and the band I didn’t have time to be nervous. We talked and talked and I photographed (a bit), he and his friend were going to another venue and my girls and I were going to meet them later. However, thanks to a train stopping on the train tracks for 56 hours, we couldn’t meet them at the Square. I was bummed, but, a few days later he was in Austin for a job interview and he waited until I got off work to meet at Green Mesquite (good bbq, check it out). I wasn’t planning on doing the dinner thing, I actually had to drive to my hometown after work but wanted to see him. Dinner lasted ….3 hours, nothing like I ever experienced before. We spent hours talking about everything. He talked about his job a lot and I was so impressed with how passionate he was. He made me smile, made me laugh, and made me so nervous. Finally at 9pm he told me he better let me go so I could drive home. I actually have to drive through his hometown to get to Sonora and he knew how bad the deer on the road were. I was so nervous that I actually just waved, said bye and turned around and walked out. The whole time I was like “Did I just wave and turn around and walk off?!”. I texted my Sky Sky saying, “I just waved and walked off”. He texted. My heart jumped. He texted me score updates from the Spurs game on my entire drive home, I was listening to the game on Sirius, but, he was texting me and I didn’t have the heart to tell him. Spurs lost by the way, damn it. The greatest date I’ve ever been on. I told my mom about him immediately. He texted me goodnight. I went to sleep with a smile on my heart. He rearranged his work schedule the next week to go to Nutty Brown where I was photographing, I did a happy dance. I actually rode with a friend that had to leave early and he was kind enough to take me back to my car at her apartment. He met my friends, meshed well with them and at the end of the night he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close.. the little things. He came over to meet Rocker and Raider and he finally kissed me. I was hooked and happy. Rocker and Raider loved him. Rocker actually tried to sit in his lap, Raider didn’t kill him. He was off most of the weekend so he spent the weekend with the pups and I. He has a biology degree from TX State, and so I knew to take him to Red Bud Isle. It was a blast and I learned about trees and plants, he held my hand.. I had butterflies. It was Mother’s Day weekend and we decided to cook so we went to HEB and we were looking around and this lady had a wine tasting booth set up, we tasted, laughed and at the end of the wine tasting she hands me a rose and says “Happy Mother’s Day and if you’re not a mother, I know you’re going to be one soon”. I freaked, he said it made his day. We continued getting closer as the days went by, the job interview he went on- he got.. he received a promotion within the company he works for as a first time applicant. I was happy and proud for him. He had a couple of months before he started his promotion program. Sounds like Jalys finally found him. The one that makes your heart skip a beat, takes your breath away when he kisses you, makes your knees weak when he hugs you… continue sap montage. Seemed like this was going to be a long awesome thing, which I was hoping for. As the promotion training was getting closer, his work was getting more difficult and the more pressure he had on him. Communication started lacking, I wouldn’t hear from his as often and ultimately he needed space for work. I was so disappointed, I still am. It’s only been a couple of weeks. I understand his need to concentrate for his future but I’m deeply saddened by the void he’s left in my life and I only hope part of him feels sadness over me. VERY shortly after this (I’m talking hours) was when my baby girl had to be taken to the hospital. I haven’t spoken to him since the decision to stop seeing each other, but I do have faith that our paths will connect again. I cry a lot and most of it is also induced with my baby girl and the stress of unemployment, but I do shed tears for him and hope that one day this separation with help us grow closer. I think he’s a great person that has a lot of potential and greatness to him. I just miss him. There’s a new Theory of a Deadman song called, “Out of My Head.’ I listen to it on repeat and cry. “Maybe it was the way you talked, maybe it was the way you laughed. I don’t know just what it is, but, I know I want you back.”

If you think that paragraph was cry worthy, get ready. My previous blog entry, which I’m not able to go back and read for obvious reasons, described a bit of what was going. Basically in a nut shell, she wasn’t able to clot and was losing red blood cells. They gave her a blood transfusion Thursday afternoon since she was losing blood, found out the blood was leaking into her intestines and her spine creating neurological damage. She was unable to walk, she didn’t recognize her legs– I found this out Friday at her dr. appointment with a specialist. She told me she most likely wouldn’t be able to walk again. As most of you that follow me on twitter and facebook, know how much Raider and Rocker love to run. We go to dogs parks all the time letting them play and explore the trails. Knowing this I knew it wasn’t fair to her to put her through all that if she wouldn’t be able to walk. I took her home to spend time with her and Rocker, I bawled the whole way home. My mom was coming after she got off work. Raider just wanted to come home, I could tell. I got her into the house, I put Rocker in their kennel while I got her comfortable and I went to go park my car, I came back and Raider “walked” her way over to the kennel to be next to Rocker. I fell apart. I got her back to her spot, I laid on the floor with her. I cried and cried. I made her food. I cried and cried and cried. She tried to move two separate times, 1. to my bedroom. 2. to my office under my desk. I fell apart each time. My mom came and she fell apart. We spent the night in the living room, I slept next to Raider holding her.. crying. By morning her skin color became white as did her gums. I prayed with her. Mom and I took her outside and she was able to go to the bathroom outside but she couldn’t walk. Poor baby girl had no clue what her paws were, she tucked them under and tried to walk. broke my heart. I lost it. We called the vet and they told us we needed to bring her in when we were ready. I fell apart. We let Rocker say goodbye to her, I fell apart. We got her in the car when we were ready, I rode in the back with her. I cried and held her close. They had a room set up for us when we got there. I laid her Texas Tech blanket down and a Texas Tech Jersey for her to lay on. I laid in the floor with her crying. My mom crying, said we needed to let her go be with Rudder. I left the room and my mom, again God Bless her, stayed with her. At 3:18 pm on July 2, 2011 she joined Rudder in doggie heaven. The only thing we came home with was the Tech Jersey. I made the choice to have her cremated so she’d always be with me. I’ve always imagined her with me through life. I wanted her in my wedding, I fantasized about her being old and being protective when my future husband and I brought our first child home from the hospital, all that out the window as of 3:18 on July 2nd. My mom suggested that Rocker and I come home for a few days just to get away from everything. Turned out we were there for about a week, I didn’t want to come back to Austin. First time ever. With Rudder I knew I was doing the right thing because he had been sick for most of his life, Raider was completely out of left field. She had always been strong and healthy, I feel robbed with my time with Raider. She protected me and she was my best friend. She was my baby girl. I only got 4 years with her. This past Thursday, I called the vet to give them my right contact # because her ashes were supposed to be ready on Saturday (today). They told me on that phone call her ashes came in that day, I fell apart. I couldn’t get ahold of my mom and I lost it. I wanted her home but at that point I knew she wasn’t coming back. Rocker and I went a bit later and picked her up. She’s home. She’s finally home. I held the urn and tears and emotions came tumbling down. Rocker has been so great, gosh I feel awful not talking about him during this section, but he’s been amazing. He lets me cry and rest my head on him. He sleeps right next to me and comforts me during the night. He doesn’t leave my sight. He and I go everywhere together that he’s allowed. My heart is heavy and tears don’t seem to stop producing. I know Rudder and Raider are having the best time wherever they are and I can’t wait to be reunited with them. I love them so very much. Love you poppa and momma.

At this point, I’m pretty much stripped of any kind emotion besides crying and sadness. Tonight has been therapy for me writing all this out. I know people get tired of people complaining and having a pity party. Pretty sure if you feel this way, you wouldn’t have stuck it out this long in this post to read this part. My friends tell me, “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle” I don’t really know how much more I can take. I’m broken, sad and getting through the day without flipping out seems impossible. My mom seems to be the only one to calm me down to where I can actually breathe again.

I know I have so much to work on and that includes photos. I’ll be working on them very soon and getting them to you guys. Ok, therapy session over… carry on.